Unplanned

I sat in the doctor’s office, my hands trembling as I held the results from the laboratory. The room was silent, except for occasional voices from patients passing to go to their waiting rooms. I could also hear the faint ringing of a distant phone. I could not think properly as an uneasy feeling was gradually taking over me. My heart was racing and I felt a constriction in my chest. I was pregnant, and instead of feeling joy and wonder, I felt loneliness and shame.

When I did not get my period that month, I did not think much about it. After all, my periods were not at all regular. When another month rolled over and days passed without the familiar trickle down my thighs, I started getting worried.

Today, I decided to take advantage of my parents visiting. I left my two daughters in their care and decided to go to the clinic. I grabbed my phone and my wallet, and walked to the nearest walk-in clinic. I walked, absent-minded, blind to the whistling leaves, the vibrant colours of fall, tightening my scarf and holding the collar of my coat.

The clinic was not busy. When the woman asked me loudly the reason of my visit, I told her it was private. She looked at me annoyed: ‘’I need to enter the reason of your visit.’’ I held her stare. ‘’Do you want to write it down?’’ she asked finally. I wrote it down on a piece of paper that I handed to her. She typed something in her computer, without looking at me. She handed me a vial and directed me to the bathroom. When I put my vial into the container for testing, a glimmer of hope was still vacillating inside of me… But that hope was shattered when the doctor walked inside the waiting room, all chipper, congratulating me on a pregnancy I did not desire.

As I walked back home, I tried to smile and to be positive. It was, after all, a miracle to imagine that there was a tiny life growing inside of me. But fear quickly overshadowed all the other feelings I was trying to hold on to. We cannot make ends meet now, she thought, they had no savings, they had no space for another kid. She had just gotten a job. What would they say when they found out that she was pregnant?

I entered the house. My husband was in the kitchen. ‘’Where did you go?’’ he asked. ‘’To the clinic.’’ I answered. ‘’Everything ok?’’ he inquired absent-mindedly. ‘’I’m pregnant.’’ I blurted. As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I regretted it. But how was I to prepare him for this news? It was too heavy to bear alone. My husband was now staring at me, visibly upset. The silence stretched for a while. ‘’These are the worst news of my life’’, he finally said as he stormed out of the kitchen.

I walked to the foldable mattress still protected in its carry case – an attempt to shield it from all the stains the kids would be sure to put on it. I sat there, for a long time, dejected and scared. Thank God for my parents, I thought. I could not hear the kids. My parents probably took them to the park… I felt truly alone. I knew what he was thinking. He probably was telling himself that I could easily end this nightmare by getting an abortion. But how would I ever bring myself to do such a thing? It was unthinkable. I thought of my parents. How would they react to this news? They had been adamant. ‘’It would be nice to have more kids. But you can’t, given your situation. We cannot help you more than we do already. And you need a break. Don’t do that to yourself.’’  My parents were always so helpful. But they were old, and they had their own financial struggles. I could not keep asking them for help. They had already sacrificed so much to help me. And now, they would be so disappointed to learn that I was expecting another child.

As tears stung my eyes, I felt anger. It hurt me to think that society was pushing me into a hole where I had no freedom to make my own sane decisions. ‘’Being poor is a crime.’’ That statement rang so true for me.